I hate to sound like an old man but things were just better when cereal came with prizes, McDonald's fries were cooked in animal grease and the sex scenes in porn had a thin plot line to tie them together. The last time I watched a new adult film , there was no plot at all, just a series of woman with shaved vaginas pouting their lips for the camera. In the eighties , pouting was generally reserved for pretty boys wearing make-up in music videos not pretty girls wearing whore make-up in porn videos. The film was a huge departure from what I consider to be the "golden" era of porn - there was beautiful lighting, ambient music , gorgeous cinematography and everyone pouting appeared to have escaped any previous physical scarring, cesarean or otherwise. The thing is, I don't want to see, let alone pay for, an adult film with high production standards. The way I see it there should never be high standards of any kind in an adult film.
After a few years of watching scrambled porn for hours for a chance at the sight of a boob, God took pity on me and my family got Showtime . Suddenly, I was blessed to be able to watch "Lady Chatterly's stories" with the sound off in the middle of the night with my door locked. The best I could hope for back then was to see a breast , ass or on a better 3 a.m. viewing a mound of pubes. This was of course, during the dark ages, years before genitals were ever shown on television, especially men's genitals. Sure , you could see Christopher Atkin's cock in "A Night In Heaven" for 2 seconds but , you paid for it by having to watch "A Night In Heaven" with Christopher Atkins. I think I was twenty when I was at my parent's house watching television late one night with my dad when "Prospero's Books" , a cinematic adaptation of Shakespeare's"The Tempest" came on. My father was asleep on his couch , loudly snoring and my mother and baby brother were asleep in their rooms . I will be first to admit that the only movie had previously seen with John Gielgud was "Arthur" and the only Shakespeare I ever attempted to watch before was on an unbearable episode of "The Cosby Show" , but neither of those had gratuitous nudity in them. I must have been so mesmerized by all the penises on the screen that I didn't hear my father's snoring stop .
"Well, you don't normally see those on television!" He said, knocking me out of my trance and causing me to instinctively flip the channel to a rerun of "Cheers" .
"Look! Shelly Long's on!" I squealed , realizing too late that I sounded way more excited about that then maybe I should have been.
Sometime during the years between Shelly Long and Christopher Atkin's long cock , I set out on a mission to get my hands on some hardcore gay pornography . My grandfather's basement was filled with straight pornography thanks to one fateful day when he actually dumpster dived to rescue a generous collection of skin magazines , so I had that angle already covered. A gay classmate of mine let me use him as a reference to get some videos from an older gay boy at my high school who we will call "O". Arriving at his home , "O" greeted me at the door wearing only a white bathrobe. Because "O" was a darkly complected black teenager , and for whatever reason I was choosing to ignore he was keeping his house unlit, the white robe flitted around the living room like some sort of gay ghost . When asked by "O" what sort of gay films I was interested in borrowing , I asked him to explain what choices I had.
"Large black bottoms , black and white swirl, blonde bubble-butted boys......" He said , nearly moaning as he spoke.
"Blonde bubble butt boys !" I interrupted , as though I had an opportunity to watch Shelly Long in something.
The movies were something of legend to me for years to come. I remembered everyone in these movies being blonde , even the few black people. I was astonished that all the men in the film considered themselves straight , mentioning girlfriends and even sometimes being seen with them before participating in deviant gay sex acts with other men. There was even what might have been considered product placement for it's day with a pair of fundies ( underwear built for two) that was used in a key plot line where a soldier carrying the fundies home on furlough with two of his army buddies wind up trying them out ahead of time on a dare. I won't spoil what happens next for you because hearing this much of the plot is what has you interested. Watching the events that lead up to the big moment is just like eating that cereal you don't really care for to get to that prize you really want - to sit through scrambled porn to see that second of boob or to sit through "A Night In Heaven" to see 2 seconds of Christopher Atkin's cock. The one thing it is not like is Shelly Long , who I always find delightful.
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